Lyrics: Gilbert Osullivan. If You Ever.

If you ever go to school
Then you'll know that it's a fool
Who believes a teachers pet
Is a pupil like yourself

For if I remember well
My old teacher's a belt
Which he kept around his shoulder blade
There for the mistakes we made

Have you ever been to sea?
And been told reluctantly
That if you have one more drink
We're all liable to sink

If you have all I can say
Is have a happy holiday
And don't come back without a tan
Especially from a far off land

Funny old world this or haven't you noticed?
Everything's glued on, nothing is screwed on
One day we will come unstuck
But until then we're in luck

If you ever feel the need
To go out and plant a seed
Then by all means go ahead
I won't stop you but instead

I will tell you where to go
And the seeds that you can grow
And by way of payment back I think
You could buy us all a drink

Funny old world this or haven't you noticed
Nothing is certain, gone for a Burton
Something must be done they say
But for the moment it can wait