Lyrics: Ben Folds. Bizarre Christmas Incident.

Ho ho ho!

Play it Grandpa.
(Yeah, play it!)
Let's tell them a little story
about what happened this Christmas.
(Yeah, tell them!)

Christmas Eve
I didn't get much sleep
I kept hearing things
heavy breathing from the chimney...
who could it be?

(I'll tell you what it was...)
(What happened then, Ben?)
(Yeah, what happened?)
Well, I went back to sleep...
(You went back to sleep?!)
(Shit!)
Tired man, went back to sleep.

and in the morning
I couldn't believe my eyes
a whale of a corpse with a long, white beard
was dangling over the fire

(ha ha ha!)

oh, Santa, he's a big, fat fuck
went down the chimney, got his fat ass stuck
oh, honey call the lawyers fast,
'cause Mrs. Claus is gonna sue my ass
hey, hey, hey!
(hey!)

Okay Grandpa, step up.
Sing in this thing right here.
Tell them what you saw,
tell them what you saw, Grandpa!

I gotta tell you folks
he wasn't wearing no clothes
(No clothes?!)
he must have rubbed a whole gallon of Crisco
from his back, down to his toes

while I was talking to the cops outside,
the dog was lickin' Crisco off of his thighs
they hauled him away in a double-wide
what a sad, sad way to die

Santa, he's a big, fat fuck
went down the chimney, got his fat ass
oh, honey call the lawyers fast,
Mrs. Claus is gonna sue our ass